“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love. But in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.”—
So fuck all the bullshit. I just want to be happy. I’m happiest when I’m with you. I love you. I need you. I want you. And everything else doesn’t matter.
But you have to tell me where I stand with you because sometimes I’m not sure. Sometimes I feel like I don’t stand anywhere at all with you but it turns out that’s not the case. So don’t give up on me.. just let me in.
The pain that comes along with being me I’ve locked myself up behind bars but I’m not guilty And I cry, all I can do is cry But the guards won’t hear me Cause they’re stuck daydreaming
Is this how it feels to be a nonbeliever? Is this how it feels? Suffocated in a box of black and white I wanna peek out, but I’m terrified Is this how it feels to be a nonbeliever? Is this how it feels? My dreams are running late and I’m far behind I’ve got many years ahead but I’m out of time Is this how it feels? Is this how it feels?
When you can only talk down on yourself When you can only smile for someone else When you can feel a heartache Rollin’ in from a mile away When you can only doubt and second guess When the clouds are gray and the world’s a mess in your head But outside it’s a beautiful day
“if you’re going to love me, love me deeply.
if you’re going to break my heart, then break it all.
if you’re going to care, care for me completely.
if you decide not to hold me, then just let me fall.
if you’re going to stay, then stay forever
& if you want to leave, then do it today.
if you’re going to change, change for the better.
& if you’re going to talk, please mean what you say.”—
I know I’m ranting, but shit, I’ve got alot to say. I’ve got alot of thoughts built up inside me that I just need to get out, so fuck it here I go on another tangent, don’t know where it’s going though, but oh well.
So I’ve been thinking alot about the way I am and I’m not sure I quite like myself sometimes. I always try to disguise my feelings and brush it off as if it doesn’t matter. I feel like it makes me weak to show my true feelings. It makes me vulnerable, and if I’m vulnerable then I can easily be taken advantage of. :\ I wish I wasn’t that way. I wish I could just be straight up sometimes and say that I feel sad, say that my feelings are hurt, say that I love someone if I do, say that I’m unhappy and that I’m scared. But I don’t. I don’t say any of that. I hide it all instead. I fake a smile, like so many other people out there, and I go about my day concealing all my emotions. I used to think it made me stronger. I thought it set me apart. Thought I’d never get hurt. But the truth is, nobody can sheild themself from hurt. I tried. I tried so very hard to make myself unsucceptable to being let down and dissppointed. But you just can’t and it’s the most horrible feeling in the world but everybody goes through it. Everybody tries to block out the pain, but we all feel it. I just need to learn how to be open. But it’s hard for me to be open when I can’t trust. A month ago I told myself that I’d never trust another person in my life, at least not 100 percent. You can’t trust anyone in this world because the second you do you risk the hurt. But I can’t do that to myself. If I don’t trust anyone, then I’ve got no one. And being alone is too much pain already. So I guess I’d rather take the risk, I just don’t know who to take it with. So many friends say they’ll be there, but we all those backstabbing ones that just straight rip your heart out sometimes. So who can you trust? If I had one wish I’d just like to know who’s gonna be there in the end. But anyway, that wasn’t the point of this. The point is that I really want to learn to not disguise my emotions, because once you get them out there then people can help you. And lord knows that I need help. I don’t want to pretend to be something I’m not. I just need someone to tell me and show me that everything is alright sometimes I guess.
sometimes i want someone to listen that will actually hear me
So sometimes I feel like life is just a game. I feel like everyone just ends up getting played in the end anyway. I wish that it wasn’t so hard to see what’s real and what’s not, because right now it’s all unclear to me. So many fake things out there. Fake relationships, fake friends. Who needs that? Can’t we all just be real? I’m just tired of the bullshit honestly. Sometimes I feel like it’s all just pointless. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, I’m just ranting, but really, there is no point is there? We all die anyway. I feel like I try so hard for so many things because I think giving up is such an easy way out for most people. But no matter how hard I try I feel like I always fall. I do feel like giving up sometimes. But for me, I feel like giving up is the hardest thing for me to do. It’s hard for me to give up on things because I want so badly for them to work. And just ONCE I’d like my efforts to not be shot down. I’m only human, I can only try my best. But it’s never good enough and I just. I don’t even know. I feel like I always have to be out because when I’m by myself I’m just sad all the time and it sucks. I have to have something to distract me from my thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could just pack up and move and start all over. But the thing about starting over is that you have to do it alone, and I don’t want to be alone. :\
I don’t know. Maybe I’m crazy. I feel like I’m the only one that feels this shit. And I’m not depressed and shit or whatever. I’m just. I don’t know. Like I know that everything is going to be okay in the end. But I just wish that everything could be okay now. I hate going through this. It’s just really hard for me to find happiness now a days and it seems like all the happiness I find is just a fake happiness. Like true happiness is when you can be by yourself and still be happy. When you can come home and be lonely and still be happy about somethingg. But I just come home and I’m alone and lonely and I just feel pessimistic and cynical and ultimately empty.